The Beauty That Surrounds Us

"Did you get my letter?" he asked. 

"What letter?"

"I sent you a letter. From India. At least I think I did. I was somewhat high at the time. You really didn't get it?"

"No. What did it say?"

He was looking at her as if he didn't believe her. It made her uncomfortable.

"I'm not sure it matters now," he said.

"Madeleine glanced toward the front door. "I have to go," she said. "Where are you staying?"

"On Schneider's couch."

They stood smiling at each other for a long moment. 

                                                  The Marriage Plot (2011), Jeffrey Eugenides

Of Mood and Music

Being too busy sometimes means that I am at a loss for words, which for this space, is most unfortunate.

This is when I search for music that comes close to what my mood is, or the essence of where my thoughts are particularly at this moment.

I might not feel this way the next minute or moment, which is why the transient nature of music fits the mood.

Mysteries

Listening to this band is bittersweet. Saint Etienne, a UK band, and their fine-as-wine Stop and Think It Over (2002).

It leaves me with a sense of loss. 

Why that should be is a mystery. 

Checking Out The Competition

When we set our eyes on a thing---a crocodile skin handbag, a pair of suede loafers, the perfect Little Black Dress---there's one thing we always do. We make sure nobody else is eyeing that piece of merchandise.

If there's another woman hovering over the object of our desire, we watch her every move like a hawk. Is she taking the dress off the rack? Is she going to try on our pair of shoes? The dress isn't in her size at all!

It's no different with men. Someone might catch our eye, and we need to know if someone else is eyeing him also.

We ask around, masking our queries in innocent questions designed to get the most telling responses of our circle of women. We are very good at using reverse psychology to our advantage.

And what happens when we discover there is competition? We make friends with the competition. It's the only way. You keep your friends close, but your frenemies closer.

The Games Women Play (Part One)

This is Part One of possibly a three-part series on the games women play in male-female interactions. 

1. DON'T play games. 

This applies to both the men and women around you. Men don't play games; what you see is what you get. Maybe it's because they're not as sophisticated, or maybe they just can't be bothered to learn the rules of these games we play. Mostly, they don't like to have to read our minds.

(Admittedly, there are men who do play games with women, and the short answer to dealing with that is the same: Don't play. Refuse to play the game, and set up firm healthy boundaries.)

Women don't like women who play games, and believe me, women know when another woman is being manipulative. Even if we are gullible and fall into another woman's cleverly-laid trap, you can bet your crocodile Ferragamo ballet flats that it will be the first and last time.

That said, I do understand that sometimes a man is to blame for a woman's behavior. All one needs is to be in a destructive relationship where one partner dominates and manipulates the relationship, and all kinds of nasty habits get formed.

Women in these relationships learn to be manipulative and over time develop co-dependent behaviors.  These have to be unlearned if this mindset is to be prevented from rolling over and repeating itself in future relationships.



DO be honest.

I learned to play games, the result of having dated one person too many.

For instance, I would create 'impossible' situations which required my partner to give up appointments for, or which caused him no small amount of sacrifice. How he reacted would help me gauge his feelings for me. Of course, playing the damsel-in-distress always seemed to work also. This because some men like to view themselves as a 'rescuer' and this role does positive things for their ego.

More often, I would say things that would get get me the response I wanted. It could be anything that would arouse his sympathies, his concern, anything to get his attention. One day I could be 'overwhelmed,' on another, I could be 'confused,' in need of some 'rescuing.'

Then when I met the man who became my husband, I realized he didn't play any games with me (except tennis, and boy, was that a washout) because he had truckloads of self-confidence. That, and the fact that he carried little emotional baggage helped give a sense of freedom and space in our relationship, even today.

Learn to be honest. First, with yourself, and the rest will follow.

It took me a long time to accept who I was, but when I did, I didn't make excuses for my behaviors or my bad decisions. I moved on.

Honesty is an under-rated virtue and in short supply these days. So when women behave honestly and with no hidden agendas, men appreciate that and attribute that to a woman's self-confidence and her healthy sense of self-esteem.

It makes for healthy friendships, both with men and with women.



Next: Games Women Play (Part Two): Checking Out the Competition

Chapter Four: Five Do's & Don'ts

Chic has nothing to do with fashion

This list will grow over time. Right now, a few things off the top of my slightly-addled head. 

DO:

• Play hard to get. There is nothing men like better than the thrill of the chase, the lure of the hunt. Being inaccessible, unattainable, makes you even more desirable in his eyes. 

• Up the glamour quotient. Always dress like you are going somewhere wonderful. And no, you don't have to spend a lot to look like that. Afterall, what separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize. 

• Be yourself. Admittedly, this is tricky if you've just come out of adolescence and haven't reached your third decade. Because the self as you know it is evolving, and some days, you don't even know who you are. For some help in this area, read the third Don't. 

DON'T:

• Respond more than once in a comment thread to his FaceBook post. If at all. Unless he is insulting you in some way or another. 

• Be moody. Since time immemorial, men have always been attracted to women who make them laugh, who smile a lot, who act crazy sometimes (like cats actually do). 

• Try too hard. By this, I mean, don't affect certain styles of 'voice' on your Facebook postings. Avoid being dramatic. Avoid being too clever with punctuation and slang, unless you *know* what effect you want and how it works on the male psyche. Yes, that's a big word -- psyche -- and until you get a good grasp of what Mars looks like, remember you're still on Venus. When in doubt, remember that "funny" wins over "style" and "coolness" every time. 

I will be posting more "Do's & Don't" as they occur to me, or when I see behaviour or actions that strike a chord in me.


Thoughts? Comments? Write them below! 

The Giving of Gifts and Other Sweet Things

Accepting the unavoidable

Dear feline friend,

Gifts. Why do I give gifts to a man I like? Because even if the guy doesn't reciprocate my feelings, I like the idea that he now owns something from --- me!

It gives me great satisfaction to know that in his dwelling, his room, his personal space, there lies the gift that I gave him. If I can't be there, my gift can.

But be careful, feline friend. There are good well-chosen gifts that will stay on his shelf, hopefully in the recesses of his mind.  Then there are gifts that might be re-gifted come Christmastime or quietly put into storage.

Here are my rules for gift-giving to the man of the moment:

1. Don't give things that are a matter of personal taste.

E.g. perfume, clothes, books, or art, unless you know *exactly* what his taste is in these things. If he wears cologne by Armani, then get him that exact scent. Nothing by Davidoff or Dolce & Gabbana even if that's the hottest thing.

Ditto for clothes and all the rest of it. Chocolates and other sweets bought from when you went on vacation are safe bets, because you probably bought them for other people back home too.

2. Until you know who his favourite writers are, what gadgets turn him on, what candy he likes to chew on, don't go down there.

You're wasting your money and your time trawling the book shelves or the candy store trying to figure out what will appeal. The truth is, we women don't know until we know the man fairly well. And checking up his Facebook page might reveal a thing or two about his favourite things, but then again, not much. It's pretty much an illusion.

I'm recalling what I used to give men when I fell for them. But then again, I didn't give them stuff that meant a lot to me until I knew how they felt about me too.

If feelings were mutual, I would then give them from my strengths, from where my heart lay. It could be a snazzy-looking card with well-chosen words, a handmade card with well-chosen words, a photograph signed at the back (much more romantic), something along those lines.

Back then, I wasn't a sophisticated shopper with a big disposable income like today, and I gave them what I personally cherished most: My time and my talent.

So if you want to give gifts, keep it light and preferably, funny. If not, just let it be tasty.

Chapter Two: The Sister and Other People

My dear feline friend,

So you're interested in someone but he seems to be playing it cool?

If he has a sister, you're in luck! Try getting on her good side. Be her friend, better yet, finnagle your way into being her pal. "Like" everything she posts on Facebook, even if it's just a location "Check-in" at a train station.

Publicly empathise with her complaints, when she's sick, when she's late for work, when she just saw a movie on a Saturday night.

Chat with her every chance you get. Remember her birthday, her boyfriend's name, her favourite food.

Why? Because a friend of the sister becomes a friend of---you got it---her brother.

It works just as well, if not better, with the guy's good friends. If you both have mutual friends, find out who he is close to and work your way into building a rapport with these people. Afterall, if they like you, they will only have nice things to say about you to him. And chances are, they might even include you when they hang out.

It goes without saying that you should utilise Facebook to connect with these people as often as you can. Of course, this depends on how strong their presence is on the social network. If they are frequent posters, you're in luck.

I've come to realize more and more that Facebook, for all it's wonderful ways of connecting longlost friends and overseas pals, is a powerful weapon of illusion. Don't forget it is a very public domain, and names get linked together the more people see the names in the same posts and updates and comments.

For instance, whenever I see a post by a familiar Facebook contact, I can guess who will 'like' or comment on it. Rightly or wrongly, I imagine they have an actual friendship in the real world that is just being carried over into the virtual.

Commonsense will tell you that my observations here are dealing with a girl who is interested in someone. Existing friends may or may not factor into a similar equation.

If I see a guy's name frequently appearing in a girl's post, forgive me for thinking that 1) she likes him, 2) she is a close friend, or 3) she likes him and is a close friend, and that they might have some kind of thing going on. *Even if* it isn't true, a part of me subconsciously harbours the notion that somebody is flirting with somebody.

So there, use the innocuously* harmless medium of Facebook to cultivate the perception that you already have in your mind about that guy. Who knows, if other people believe it, it's only a matter of time.




* please Google the word, thanks

Chapter One: Women and Their Ways

We women, it must be said, are a lot like cats. Graceful, demure, and born with the innate ability to get what we want without showing how badly we want it. And we would never let on that we even *tried* to get it. To do so would be clumsy and well, just not done.

This applies to men.

That is, the getting the attention of, sustaining interest, and ultimately, the getting of.

In this fragment of history dominated by Facebook, let me start by listing three things we women can do to get the attention of men on the world's biggest social network.

1. "Like" every status update, every photo, every comment, check-in, (well, within reason or he'll think you're bonkers), every video, every link he posts. If he is the type who posts often on Facebook, then like every *other* post, or he'll think you like him and we don't want him to, well, smell a rat.


2. Post updates and links of your own that you think will get his interest. Make sure you post thought-provoking content, or mysterious things. 


If he is a believer, post Scripture. It never fails to get the thumbs up. It also gives the impression you just finished reading the Bible.


3. Better yet, tag him in a post, a photo, or a comment. This ensures you get a direct response if you feel he is not responding.


WhatsApp and Email

Why not start texting or emailing? It's more private and men will always respond to email, because they think they have to, or appear impolite.

Of course, some men will be more guarded and will refrain from responding too quickly but be intentionally slow in answering messages. I had an overseas friend who took at least a month to respond to my fluffy emails. He knew that answering my mail would only encourage me.


Men don't realize that it's ok to take a whole day or two to respond to a Whatsapp message if it's of the 'Hi-how-are-you? How-was-your-day?" variety. Of course, you can create an urgent situation, so he will feel prompted to respond.


What he doesn't realize is that if you were really in hot soup, you would call your mom, or your best friend.  First.